We just want to know that we are not alone, that at night loneliness does not visit us. We want to know that there is hope somewhere. That we live a life with a purpose. This is the real issue, this is why we look and search and fight here. This is why we look for a meaning outside of us. This is the reason behind my struggle. I would love to have an external reason to live my life. Something or someone to take care of. I can’t imagine life without a purpose, this is why it is so difficult to get up now at morning. That’s why I feel so lost here now. I’d rather die than know that I lived a life with no meaning and purpose. That’s why I idealize the life of old mountain people, they loved and lived to survive. This is the reason behind my choice and dream of working in international development or cooperation even at my own life expenses. I feel too privileged and too lucky. I still have not developed my armour against the reality of a world without a meaning, of living just for the sake of living. I can’t stand with people’s colourful life’s when I see how their colour is made. It does not belong to them, it’s just like an acquired right, they take it for granted and think they deserve it, while I think that ultimately I don’t.
It costs a lot to say and acknowledge this fact. And in the little time that is given to us, I think I’m wasting more than what I’m giving back. Don’t understand why, instead of fighting for changing this, I’m hiding and sometimes willing to quit. But if I quit it will never be the grand finale I hoped for, although I’d like my life to be in the shadow, behind the scenes.